I Dream of Cartoon Hair

I have hair issues. I’ll be the first one to admit it. I think most people in this world have a hate/hate relationship with their hair. I am definitely one of those people. DH is so incredibly sick of hearing about it by now.

Ok, rewind about a billion years. I’m 2 years old on our silent family videos. The only ones we have where I’m a child and I’m not all elbows and knees, trying to push in front of the camera and say obnoxious things with my squeaky tween voice like, “C’mon Mom, I wanted to be second!” or “Give me a close up!” as I stick my nose practically through the lens. Nice.

Anyway, back to the videos where I appear as a somewhat cute child. We’re at the local pool, and my mom is dipping me in the water. I’m staring at my cute little bathing suit as I waddle around, and then I notice my hair. I look like a mop head, honestly… it’s just terrible. I can’t stand it.

I look like a dolly who has been played with too much. You know the kind, the one that’s been through the washer one too many times and her eye buttons are coming loose and the hair becomes straggly and stands a bit on end. The one where you tried to give her a haircut because you thought a bob would look cute.

And then my hair gets wet, and it’s as if it completely disappears all together—like magic. Now I’m starting to feel uncomfortable, as I’m watching this, because it’s all a little too close to home.

Fast forward a little further and not much has changed. I still feel bald when I pull my hair back. My favorite thing about having thin, limp hair are the little fly-aways I get, particularly around my face from using a hairdryer and doing other unspeakable things to my hair to make it appear thicker. I’m afraid I haven’t yet perfected said illusions.

Rewind again, back to that annoying pre-tweeny age, to the release of the first Disney “princess” movie since 1959: The Little Mermaid.

Sure there were other cartoons I’d seen before this fateful moment, but never in my life had I seen hair like this before. Granted, she’s in the water, but come on! Every hair in place, and it flows right back where it should even if it’s been messed up. Here’s Ariel right after she’s been turned into a human and has yet to have used a dinglehopper in her life. Translation? Her hair is supposed to be royally messed up at this point.


What? Are you serious?
It was at this moment that my longing for cartoon hair began. And it persisted through Belle, Jasmine, and Pocahontas. And most recently, Giselle—the “every princess.” How I wish I could turn myself into Nancy, triumphantly lift a manhole cover, and fall into a magical world, beyond the New York sewer, where I could live with cartoon hair and my DH forever! Now, that would be a happily ever after.


How many hours I’ve spent dreaming that I could wake up with cartoon hair! Those flowing tresses, undulating curls, and perfectly smooth ponytails! Alas, it will never happen. It was not meant to be. I’ll have to stay here in the “real” world and deal with my flat hair. Bummer.