April 5, 2011

On Writing and Other Woes

So, I might as well not say, “I’m back, blogging world!” because every time I do, I take another long break for which I feel very sheepish when I try to sit down at the computer again and add to these ramblings of mine. I’m a little embarrassed to be honest.

There’ve been several times in the last six months to a year where I’ve thought of something and said to myself, “I’d love to blog about that!” But do I? No. I think out the beginning of a post in my head, but then I get sidetracked by a million different things and am left with just a wisp of an idea. Then I sit down at the computer and stare at the blinking cursor, blinded by a white page, and nothing emerges. My brain is frozen.

I think part of the reason I’ve been suffering from writer’s block is that my expectations are too high. Now, before you think me vain, let me elaborate. Somehow I’ve tricked myself into thinking that if I don’t have the time to write out a lengthy post—which, let’s face it, I always do—then I have to put off writing at all until I have the time and can devote my full attention. Well, I’m not sure that’s ever going to happen. So…. This blog will be evolving in the future, I’m afraid. In other words, I am now giving myself permission to say, “Anything goes!” We’ll see how long I can keep it up that way.

It’s a funny thing, writing. I love it and I hate it, at the same time. There’s nothing like finishing up the last paragraph of some pestering thought that’s been running through my mind all week. There’s something final about it, something satisfying. Doesn’t it just make you feel good to talk through/write through something that occurs to you? Some opinion that you just want to share, even if no one is listening/reading? (Yes, sometimes I do talk to myself. Does that surprise you? Haha.) I don’t know what it is about that. Maybe I do just like the sound of my own voice. Don’t get me wrong, I also enjoy a good interchange. But there is something about working out your own ideas about stuff that just makes me feel like I’m doing something good, I’m learning somehow, I’m making leaps and bounds. I’m also saying “something” a lot.

But I hate writing because I often feel as though what I want to say and what I’m actually saying are not completely lining up. Like the ideas in my head are expressed in shapes and colors and pictures, and I have to try to describe them. It never comes across quite right. My brain searches for the right word, and once and awhile it lines up just right, but other times it falls flat. It’s those seasons of flat that really get me down.

And I have to say that living in a world of diapers and bottles and baby talk doesn’t at all help. Sometimes I feel my brain may be disintegrating. As my daughter grows and learns at an alarming rate, I’ll be getting dumber as the days go by. When she reaches sixth grade, we’ll be on an equal playing field, if I’m lucky. So, I guess that’s why I’ve got to keep writing, keep doing Sudoku and crossword puzzles. And let’s face it, turning thirty this month isn’t helping my case. Yes, thirty. Thirty. 3 and Oh. I’m gonna pretend I think it’s great, but really it sort of scares me a little. And in a way, I have come to terms. Age is a number. We’re all gonna die one day. How’s that for optimism?

So, here’s to staying spry! Dear blog, will you, could you do that for me?

P.S. If you'd like to see semi-regular updates on the little one, please email me at cambookclub@gmail.com, and I'll give you permission. As of now, it's private. =)


Lauren -House of Chic and Penoche said...

Haha! I feel dumber than ever, and it only gets worse:-) However, I'm sure since you are keeping up on reading that you will maintain better than some. Wish we were closer to hang out with our babies and chat it up. I bet you're a great mom. love you!

Cami and Juan said...

You are such a good writer. I have found that blogging and journaling are my favorite hobbies. Mostly my journal, where I am my own therapist. And I am not a great writer, but just writing down my stream of conscious really makes me feel great. And you have my email, I'd like an invite.

brittani c. said...

Cam, there have been multiple times that you have written exactly what I have thought about--and this post was one of them. I'm glad I'm not the only one lamenting all the forgotten blog posts that I've composed in my brain. Many times after I press 'Publish', I think to myself, "Why did I write that? It's junk! I shouldn't have jumped the gun on that." Writing is never easy, but your posts seem effortless.

Oh, and you are going to soooo enjoy being 30. In my two or so weeks' experience, I think it's grand! Your baby girl is getting so big. What a little sweetie.